I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
