new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Randomize
