He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
