Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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