I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Randomize
