dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I am midnight drunk by noon
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
