Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
