i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
