Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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