Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
