You were right. It hurts to walk today.
this beer tastes like vomit already
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
