my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
