how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
