i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
