super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
