So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Reggie can tackle my bush.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
