my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Randomize
