I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
