Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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