Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
