Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize