Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Houston, we have a squirter
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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