how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
