When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
