i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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