It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize