my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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