My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Randomize
