Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize