so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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