dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
