you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
