just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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