Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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