So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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