I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
It's shark week go big or go home
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Randomize
