Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
