from now on my penis is your penis
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize