I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Randomize
