why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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