Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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