While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
