she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Randomize
