where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
