i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
