The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
