Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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