Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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