The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
