you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
The best revenge is premature balding
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
