i wish my penis had a tongue
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
my liver is dry heaving
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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