im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize