Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
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