I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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