True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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