If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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