I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
