never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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