His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
