Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Randomize
