Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
