Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
