hotel room ftw
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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