i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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