you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
