Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
