now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
Redeem this text for a blowjob
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
