So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
